


Owl Love

by Living_Free



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Domestic, Everyone is a bit traumatized, Finding Love, Fluff, Hermione has come to the conclusion, M/M, Multi, Other, Owl Love - Freeform, Ron is traumatized, Snape does the deed, as is Sirius, not graphic, that boys are weird, with Remus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-02-12 04:41:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12951498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: Hedwig is putting the moves on the Malfoy’s owl.Little does she know that her little avian romance will change the course of history and help two very confused, horny boys find love.Oh, and defeat Voldemort, but who cares about that tit, really.





	1. Hedwig in Lust

For four years, Hedwig had watched and lusted after the regal Malfoy owl, Asmodeus. Out of the cubby in the Owlery, Hedwig peered out, catching the glimpse of the massive eagle owl before ducking away quickly. 

He was the definition of sophistication. When he took to the skies, he oozed elegance. Even pecking at his pellets, he carried himself a certain dignity that made all his fellow owls look like excitable juveniles. 

Hedwig couldn’t stop the low trill of longing that escaped her beak. Mortified, she looked up and caught Asmodeus’ eye. A long, tense, moment passed between them before Asmodeus inclined his noble head just so. 

Hedwig was no blushing maiden. She inclined her head back, just so, and stood a little straighter, noting that Asmodeus kept his eye on her the whole while. She maintained her poise and went back to her pellets, her mind racing. 

She had a courting to plan.

—————

Harry had planned on having an uneventful breakfast (porridge, plain), before heading off to history of magic to talk about the Great Mourning of 1780. He did not expect the ball-breaking monotony of his day to be disturbed, and was thus surprised when Draco Malfoy descended upon him like an enraged bat.

“POTTER!”

Harry looked over his shoulder and was forced to school his face into a serious expression when he saw Hedwig seated on Malfoy’s shoulder, while his own owl looked serenely over at the pair of them.

“Yes?” Harry asked sweetly. 

“Your damn owl just dropped a mouse in my cereal!” Draco shrieked, his face going an inhuman shade of purple. “I demand that you take action!”

Harry proceeded to do exactly that by calling Hedwig over and fawning over her. “Did you ruin Malfoy‘s breakfast? Yes you did! Yes you did!”

“Potter! That’s not what I meant! Discipline your bird!”

“Go eat a rat, Malfoy. Oh wait,” Harry smirked pointedly. 

Draco’s jaw dropped. “Rats and mice are not the same-ARGH!” With a frustrated yell, Draco stalked off, back to the Slytherin table. Harry watched him leave, a contented smile on his face. 

“Here, Hedwig, have some pumpkin juice,” Harry cooed, stroking her feathers.

Hedwig hooted happily at her Boy, always glad to indulge him. She wondered what Asmodeus would make of her courting gift. 

—————

Back at the Owlery, Hedwig was busy grooming herself when a distinctive hoot alerted her to a guest. She looked up to see none other than Asmodeus, who had perched next to her, a shiny bead in his beak. He looked knowingly at her before placing it at her feet and flying off. 

Alone now, Hedwig smiled as best as an owl could. 

Phase One of Courting - The Obligatory Mouse has been successful. It was now time to initiate Phase Two. 

Meeting the Other Boy. 

—————

Asmodeus was a proper owl with poise and good bearing. He was not one to bandy about his emotions, but kept them close to his heart, and only ever demonstrated his love for his Boy in small, dignified, actions. An occasional nibble of the ear, a slight grooming of the head feathers, or a discreet head bump. 

Hedwig knew that in order to win over her owl, she needed to win over his Boy. 

It was with this intent that she landed at the Slytherin table, squarely in front of the Malfoy Boy. 

“Hoot.”

“POTTER!”

Oh damn.

—————

Harry was going over his potions notes over a bagel (plain), when the dulcet tones of Draco Malfoy cut through the air. He turned around to see Malfoy striding towards him, with Hedwig giving his ear affectionate nibbles. 

“POTTER! Get your bird off of me!”

Harry beamed. “Aww, she likes you,” he cooed. 

“I don’t care!” Draco screeched, as Hedwig tried valiantly to groom his hair. “Make her stop!”

Harry reached up to get Hedwig back, but she was too engrossed in grooming the new Boy. Harry tried to pry her away, but ended up threading his fingers in Malfoy’s sleek locks (so soft!), messing up a perfectly good hairdo before managing to grab his owl. 

Draco stood fuming and messy, glaring at his sworn nemesis. “You’ve messed up my hair, Potter! Do you know how long it takes to achieve perfection!?”

Harry looked Draco up and down analytically. “Oh I don’t know,” he finally said, “I think you look good.”

Draco’s jaw dropped. “Can you hear yourself when you speak!?”

Harry shrugged. “Hey, I can have an objective gaze for beauty. Speaking of which, your eyeliner is on point today, Parvati,” he called over to his friend.   
“Thanks, Harry!”

Draco glared at Harry and smacked his hand on the table. “What has gotten into you, Potter!?” He raved. “The Dark Lord has returned, and you’re casually flippant and happy instead of quaking in your boots!”

“Yeah, I know,” Harry admitted, “that’s why I have this new outlook on life. I’m not going to drive myself crazy worrying about Voldemort - that’s just what he wants. Instead, I’ve decided to live my life the way I’ve always wanted to, and I’ll deal with that tit when I have to.” Harry angled his head to reveal his left ear. “I even got piercings, see? It’s all part of doing things that make me happy.”

Draco stared at the two steel studs in the ear being wriggled in front of his face, and choked. They looked good. Potter looked good. 

Draco took off back to the Slytherin table, unable to deal with his latest train of thought. In his haste, he missed the pointed look shared between two very amorous owls across the hall. 

—————

The next morning, Harry had a surprise visitor over for breakfast. Malfoy’s eagle owl was sat primly in front of his grapefruit, and looked at him meaningfully. 

“Hi,” Harry greeted the newcomer.

“Hoot,” Asmodeus replied respectfully. 

“...would you like some sausages?” Harry asked, holding out a wiener. Asmodeus hooted again before taking a polite nibble. “You’re nice,” Harry mused. “Pity that some of that niceness didn’t rub off on Malfoy.”

Asmodeus hooted lowly and bumped his head against Harry’s chin playfully, eliciting a giggle from the New Boy. Unbeknownst to Harry, there was a commotion brewing at the Slytherin table where Hedwig was doing the safe to a bewildered and angry Malfoy.

“You can come by to visit any time,” Harry told Asmodeus kindly. “I’ll set aside some Owl Pellets for you.”

Asmodeus trilled happily, glad that his offer of friendship was so readily accepted. He wondered how his lady love was getting on with his Boy.

“POTTER!”

Ah, well.

—————

The courting continued for several weeks, with Asmodeus sitting with Harry at breakfast and making eyes at Hedwig, or Hedwig going to smother Draco at the Slytherin table. The Owlery was full of rumors, which were fueled by the resisdent gossip, Pigwidgeon. 

This, of course, resulted in several back and forths in the Great Hall, leaving Draco Malfoy increasingly confused and Harry equally jolly. It was slowly becoming A Thing. 

Things came to a head when Harry came down to breakfast one morning to see both Hedwig and Asmodeus seated together. 

“Good morning,” Harry greeted the couple. “Have you two made friends? That’s good. We need all the allies that we can get during these trying times.”

“Oh, Harry.”

Harry looked up to see Hermione looking patronizingly at him. Odd. That look didn’t usually come about till after midday. 

“What?”

“Harry, they’re not friends,” Hermione informed him. “Haven’t you been paying attention over the past weeks? They’re courting each other. I think that they’ve...mated.”

“WHAT!? POTTER!!”

Harry flinched as Draco Malfoy’s piercing shriek erupted beside his beautiful ear. “Ow. Watch it, you doof.”

“Doof!? You dare- Potter!”

“Yes, what?”

“My! Owl! Mated! Yours! I! Can’t!”

“Relax, Ferret Boy,” Ron spoke up, showering Draco with a mouthful of croissant. “They’re owls.”

“Potter! Come with me this moment!” Draco gritted out, yanking Harry out of his seat and dragging him out of the Great Hall. Hedwig and Asmodeus flew after them leisurely, wingtips coyly brushing each others’. 

“Abducting me, Malfoy? I think I like this new, fiery, you,” Harry commented, noting how soft and cool Malfoy’s hand was against his own. 

“We’re going to see Hagrid!” Draco growled. “He deals in magical creatures all day long. Surely he knows how to break this perverse relationship up!” He said, glaring at the two unconcerned owls. 

They came to a halt at Hagrid’s door, the abrupt stop sending Harry careening forwards and bumping into Draco. “You smell like air freshener,” Harry remarked after taking a discreet sniff. 

“Air fresh-“ Draco spluttered incoherently. “That is top of the line, hand drawn, rose water for supple skin!”

“I was about to say the good kind of air freshener, not the generic supermarket kind,” Harry elaborated. “Oh, hey, Hagrid,” he added as the door swung open. 

“Harry, Malfoy,” Hagrid greeted, looking down confusedly at their still intertwined hands. “Now, boys, I’m real glad about yer love an’ all-“

“What!? No!” Draco exclaimed and let go of Harry’s hand. “Not us! Never us! Our owls!” He cried, pointing upwards at the circling owls. “Fix them! P...p...please!”

Hagrid looked up and summoned both birds to perch on his arm. Once seated, the birds proceeded to engage in a heated make out session, complete with amorous hooting and beak kisses.

“Looks like yer birds’ve mated, boys,” Hagrid informed a confused Harry and a scandalized Draco. 

“Oh, I thought they were just friends,” Harry shrugged. 

Draco spun around and grabbed Harry’s arm and shook him. “How can you be so nonchalant!?” He shrieked. “They’re mated. Mated! Hagrid, you have to break them up!”

“No can do, lad,” Hagrid replied with a smile. “Owls mate fer life. I suggest that you start gettin’ ready from some owlets. If yeh both build a nest in yer respective dorms, so they can decide who they want to live.”

Draco collapsed and buried his face in Harry’s legs to sob dramatically, whining about honour and the Malfoy name and premarital owl babies. For his part, Harry was having an epiphany of sorts, realizing that he didn’t much mind the proximity of Malfoy’s face to his groin. 

Sensing Draco’s anguish, Hedwig swooped down and began to pet Draco’s hair with her wing. Simultaneously, Asmodeus fluttered over to Harry to perch serenely on his shoulder. “Heh, they’ve adopted yeh both,” Hagrid commented merrily. 

“Come again?”

Hagrid pointed alternatively to the owls and said, “they’ve taken their partner’s owners as their own,” he explained. “It’s like a blended family.”

“I’m not going to be Potter’s brother!” Malfoy shrieked in horror.

Harry had the same misgivings, but because he didn’t want to be Malfoy’s brother, per se. 

“Potter, do something!”

“Er...”

“Yeh both best be building those nests in yer dorms,” Hagrid said, unable to hide his amusement. “Harry, would yeh like to take some yarn to make yer nest cozy?”

“Oh, sure, thanks Hagrid,” Harry beamed. 

“POTTER!”

“Oh come on,” Harry said, rolling his eyes, “they’re going to bone, we might as well give them a nice place to do it.”

Draco’s resultant sobs were loud enough to reach the astronomy tower.


	2. Chapter 2

“Here you go, girl, a nice nest for you and your beau,” Harry cooed, and deposited Hedwig in the nest he had hand crafted for her.

Hedwig trilled and made herself at home. She was so lucky to have such a good Boy. She’d raised him right. Now, if only Asmodeus’ Boy could stop crying all the time and buck up. After all, they didn’t have much time before the little ones would arrive.

Hedwig hooted contentedly as Asmodeus floated into the Gryffindor boys dorm and perched next to her in their nest. He pecked at Harry gently to convey his thanks and nuzzled against his pregnant mate. Soon, their children would enter the world. The children of Hedwig Potter and Asmodeus Malfoy would rule the skies.

“Harry, mate, you’re awfully invested in your owl,” Ron piped up from his bed.

“They’re in love, Ron,” Harry replied, petting his new owl, “I’m not going to stand in their way.”

“And what about Malfoy, huh? He can’t be too happy about you kidnapping his owl. He’s an evil git, he won’t let this go.”

“Yeah, but he’s a desperate git,” Harry laughed. “He loves his owl and won’t risk making him unhappy for our feud.”

As though the cosmos had heard him, Hermione walked up to Harry at that moment, a look of uncharacteristic confusion on her face. “Harry, why is Malfoy at the door asking to come in?”

“He’s here?” Harry asked.

“Yes, I just passed him. He wants to be let in to see you.”

“What did you say?” Harry asked.

“I told him to go and boil his head,” Hermione said, as though it were obvious. Ron burst out laughing and high fived her. “Harry, you’re not really going to let him in, are you?” She asked, as Harry walked over to the common room entrance.

Harry swung open the door to reveal an irate Draco Malfoy holding his very own nest, decorated in green and black yarn and glitter.

“POTTER!” Draco yelled, “did you really think that I would allow my owl and his brood to live in your ramshackle lodgings!? Give them here, I have built a nest befitting a Malfoy owl and his companions.”

“You haven’t even seen my nest,” Harry retorted.

“I don’t need to! It will be as basic and as common as its maker!”

“Well then, why don’t you come up and see, princess?” Harry sneered.

Draco stomped up the staircase and threw open the door to the boy’s dorms and stopped dead in his tracks. On Potter’s bed was Weasley, and a nest containing Hedwig, Asmodeus, and strangely enough, four perfectly round, white, eggs.

“POTTER!”

“What-oh,” Harry stopped next to Draco, staring at the clutch of eggs and a very proud Hedwig.

Ron sat next to the nest, looking squeamish. “You missed it, mate,” he informed his friend. “Right after you left, she just started heaving and pooped all of those eggs out, like rapid fire.”

“Ron! She did not ‘poop’ the eggs out!” Hermione scolded.

“I don’t care about terminology, Hermione, it was gross!”

“The miracle of life disgusts you?”

“Yes!”

“Ugh, you plebeian,” Hermione sniffed and walked out, Ron at her heels, complaining about ‘the sounds, Hermione! It was all squelchy and squishy like-‘ and started to imitate squelching noises.

The door snapped shut leaving the newly minted Potter-Malfoy avain family alone with their humans. Draco broke the silence by snorting mirthfully.

“Well, I guess Weasley’s not going to be having kids with you.”

“Gah,” Harry shuddered, “why’d I want to have kids with him?”

“No? I would have thought that you two were headed for the family path, the way you carry on,” Draco commented.

“Ron’s my best mate,” Harry said, scandalized. “I’m not into him like that.”

“What, Granger, then?”

“I’m going to obliviate myself.”

Draco sniggered at Harry’s distress and walked to the nest. Asmodeus spread out his wing as though to show off his family. Look at my wife and the eggs she squeezed out, he seemed to say.

Draco looked at the four perfect eggs, and was overcome. He gently stroked a finger over Hedwig’s head, prompting a cooing hoot.

“I guess that they’ll be staying in my nest after all,” Harry said smugly.

Draco let out an incoherent warble. “I’m not leaving Asmodeus with you!”

“Then we can draw up a visitation schedule,” Harry replied. “I’ll have Hermione draw one up and give it to you later.”

“Oh no,” Draco seethed, “I’m going to dictate my own terms. I’ll be sitting in on the drafting of this contract.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

It was Fine.

—————

“...and Article 8 Section 22 states that in the event of Harry’s “unfortunate” demise due to Dark Lord related circumstances,” Hermione stopped to glare at a suddenly gleeful Draco, “that Draco Malfoy shall gain guardianship of Hedwig Potter-Malfoy and the four Potter-Malfoy owlets.”

“Dark Lord related circumstances?” Harry repeated incredulously, looking at Malfoy.

“It’s more than likely,” Draco said. “So that’s that, then. I have daily visitation until the eggs have hatched, and for three months after they are born. Once they can leave the nest, we alternate custody weekly.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

“Hoot.”

Hedwig felt a warm glow of contentment, glad that her Boys were getting along.

“Now if you would both sign on the dotted-Malfoy stop!” Hermione squeaked, as Draco proceeded to draw out a needle and cut open the tip of his index finger.

“What is it, woman?” Draco asked. “I’m doing as you told me! The most solid contracts are signed with a blood pact-“

“Or an enchanted quill,” Harry said slowly, picking one out of his bag. “You’re dripping on my table,” he pointed out helpfully.

Draco’s bleeding finger throbbed as he stared at the quill held aloft in Potter’s long, elegant, fingers - stop it, bad Draco! - and healed his finger before accepting the quill. During the exchange, their fingers brushed, sending a carefully concealed shiver through both parties.

Harry quickly recognized the shiver as his sexual urges coming to the fore, and clamped down on any amorous thoughts. He wouldn’t succumb to his urges and get hard for Malfoy!

In public, that is.

Harry desperately looked around to find some way to kill his boner, and ended up fixating on Hermione. Hermione was good. Your best friend/sister-figure was a sure fire boner wilter.

On his end, Draco also registered the shiver as the spark of amorous feeling towards his nemesis, and noticed his own little dragon starting to rise. He too ended up focusing on Hermione, simply because the fact that she did nothing to groom her frizzy hair (that utter mop, ugh!) made him feel nauseous.

“Oh my god, why are you creeps looking at me like that!?”

Harry and Draco startled as Hermione stood and stalked off to the girls dormitories, where she would be free of weird boys. After a second, Draco quickly signed the contract, flung the quill at his flame - no, foe! - and ran back to his own common rooms, leaving a Harry all alone to contemplate his sexual identity and come to terms with crushing hard on his sworn, sexy, enemy.

“Ho~oot.”

Harry looked up at Hedwig, who was looking at him knowingly.

“Don’t you start,” Harry muttered at the complacent owl, who just puffed up smugly.

Perhaps her Boys would get along better than she had previously thought.

———————

It was Hogsmeade weekend, and Harry had opted to stay back in order to have a covert chat with the most rational man in his life.

“Hi Remus,” Harry called, his head sitting between the flames in Grimmauld Place’s fireplace.

“Harry!” Remus dropped down to eye level with Harry, and grinned. “How are you? Is everything alright?”

“Everything’s fine, Remus,” Harry assured him. “I just...wanted to talk to you. About something...personal.”

Remus looked around before whispering, “Is Sirius privy to this conversation?”

“Not yet, please,” Harry whispered back.

Lupin cast a silencing charm on the entryway to the room and turned back to Harry. “Ok, it’s clear.”

Harry took a deep, fortifying, breath before a potentially life changing conversation. “Ithinkthatilikeaboy.” Realizing that he was utterly incoherent, he tried again. “I think that I like a boy,” he said clearly, before waiting for the inevitable poop storm.

After a tense second, Lupin smiled gently. “Oh, Harry,” he said kindly, “that’s perfectly fine. You can like anyone you want.”

Harry felt a weight lift off of his shoulders and his heart resume its normal rhythm. “Really?”

“Yes, of course,” Remus laughed. “There’s nothing wrong with loving someone.”

This was the moment of truth. “...even if he’s a Slytherin?”

That gave Remus pause. He took a moment before answering, “Yes. Even if he is a Slytherin.”

Harry beamed. “Thanks Remus, you’re great! I never expected you to agree!”

Remus smiled guiltily. “Well, I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t,” he admitted.

It took Harry a minute to piece together what Remus was talking about. “You...like a Slytherin? But who do you know that’s a Slytherin? Do I know them?”

“Yes, you do,” Remus replied hesitantly, “And it’s a man.”

Several seconds ticked past in heavy contemplation before understanding hit Harry like a lightning bolt. “SNAPE!? You...and Snape!? How? When? Why!?”

Remus smiled gently. “I got to know him better over the Order meetings. I appreciated his intellect and his bravery. I didn’t realize when I started to feel things that were...more than friendship for him.”

“Does he know?” Harry asked, feeling slightly ill.

“Oh, no,” Remus said. “I’m a tad shy about these kinds of things. I’d appreciate it of you wouldn’t tell him, Harry.”

“Your secret’s safe with me, Remus,” Harry pledged. “Thanks for the talk, I feel loads better now.”

“Anytime, Harry,” Remus said kindly, before breaking the connection.

Back in the Gryffindor common room, Harry shuddered. Remus and Snape. Ugh. That was a secret that he would gladly take to the grave.

—————

The secret held for all of two days, when Snape saw the memory of Harry’s conversation with Remus during their Occlumency lessons.

That resulted in Harry being told off in a hasty letter by a worried Lupin to work harder on guarding his mind. Lupin’s uncharacteristic messy handwriting in said note was due to the fact that he had been a mite distracted, trying to snog an amorous Severus at the same time, while balancing precariously on the dining room table.

Sirius was certain that he would live with the trauma of that sight for his entire life.

After that, Snape was noticeably less waspish around Harry, which resulted in him being able to learn the art of occlumemcy with less misgivings, and subsequently was able to learn to fully guard his mind against attack.

Snape also informed Dumbledore that while he would still be his spy, that he would no longer go along with any of the old man’s harebrained schemes now that he had found love and someone to live for again, nor would he continue lying to the Order or Remus about it.

This, of course, left Dumbledore in a tizzy, and left him with no choice but to make different plans to destroy Voldemort’s horcruxes without involving Snape too much. It was startlingly easier to plot now, with Snape’s secret out to the core Order members and with everyone on the same page regarding the horcruxes.

Who would have thought it?

—————

Back in her nest in the Gryffindor common room, Hedwig snoozed over her ctuch of eggs, unaware as the the far reaching consequences of her whirlwind romance with Asmodeus. Her slumber was interrupted by a far more pressing issue, when she heard a distinctive crack under her bum. A peek down below confirmed what she had guessed.

The eggs were hatching.

—————

Harry raced across the castle to the dungeons, where he found Draco just about to enter the Slytherin common rooms.

“Malfoy!” Harry yelled, grabbing Draco’s arm and yanking him away from the entrance, “it’s happening! Hurry! The babies are coming!”

“Merlin’s freckled tits!” Draco yelped, as a Harry whisked him away dramatically. “POTTER! Slow down!”

“No!”

“For Salazar’s Sake, man! Birds have been hatching since time immemorial. They can manage!”

“I don’t care!” Harry yelled back, skidding to a halt at the common room door. “Emergency!” He yelled at the Fat Lady, and flung aside the painting to reveal the door. He yanked Draco through, and proceeded to drag him upstairs to his dorm, where the hatching had begun in earnest.

Harry flung Draco onto his bed and settled in beside him to watch. Draco straightened up, looking disheveled. This wasn’t how he expected ending up in Potter’s bed. He was pulled from his train of thought when Asmodeus landed on top of him and started to dance around in anticipation. Draco grabbed his owl and soothed him while the hatching gathered speed.

A tiny, black, head poked its way out of the shell, emitting a querulous hoot. Soon, three more little heads and little, fluffy, bodies followed, revealing the four Potter-Malfoy owlets.

“Oh my god!” Harry cooed.

“Oh my god!” Draco spat, “Why do they look so weird!?”

Harry, Hedwig, and Asmodeus all shot him incredulous looks. “That’s how all newborns look, Malfoy,” Harry said sagely.

Asmodeus hopped over to his Boy and nudged his hand. Pick up your brothers and sisters! He seemed to say.

Draco peered at the tumbling, hooting, balls of fluff and feet, and gently petted one on the head with a finger. Damn. It was cute.

Harry had picked one up, and was nuzzling it to his cheek. “I’m going to call you Jenny,” he decided.

“Over my dead body!” Draco gasped. “No Malfoy owl will be named something so common!”

“Like you have any ideas,” Harry snorted. Seeing Draco’s slightly guilty look, he quailed. “Oh my god, you thought of names. You probably made a list!”

“I did not make a list!”

Draco had, in fact, made a list.

That was how the four owlets ended up with their Malfoy-approved names - Tucana, Pegasus, Hercules, and Cassiopeia, affectionately known (by Harry) as Tuck, Peggy, Herc, and Cassie.

“You did good, Hedwig,” Harry cooed, and offered his owl her preferred pellets. Hedwig nodded happily, and nudged her children towards Harry’s hand. “Oh, wow, I’m an uncle,” Harry said. Asmodeus gave him a sharp peck, which had Harry backtracking. “Not uncle? What, then, brother?” At Asmodeus’ proud nod, Harry burst out laughing. “Alright then, I can live with that.”

Draco shuddered. “Potter, this means that we are step brothers,” he informed the other boy.

“Oh no,” Harry grimaced. “I don’t think that I want that. Not at all.”

“It certainly won’t suit my plans at all,” Draco agreed.

“Yeah...wait,” Harry paused, “what plans?”

Draco flushed a deep crimson at his slip of tongue. “My...my...evil plans!”

“For...?”

Draco groaned and buried his face in his hands. Harry took initiative and cleared his throat. “Would those happen to be evil plans for, say, plundering my innocent arse? With, say, your evil cock? Because, um, I wouldn’t be completely opposed to that.”

Draco looked up in shock. “Are you serious, Potter?” he asked, “you want my cock to plunder your arse?”

“Well, sure,” Harry shrugged, “provided that I can plunder yours sometimes too. Variety is the spice of life, you know.”

A beat later, Draco had pinned Harry to the bed, and was kissing him silly, with a family of voyeuristic owls cheering them on.

Unbeknownst to all of them, a certain Ronald Bilius Weasley had decided to walk in just then, and seeing the plundering of his best mate, proceeded to run out and tattle to Hermione, who flooed Remus, who told Sirius, who then out of frustration proceeded to blast a hole through his horrible mother’s portrait, which made Kreacher terribly unhappy.

Back up in the boy’s dorms, Draco and Harry were laying side by side on the bed after a very successful mutual plundering of each other’s tonsils.

“Hey, Draco?”

“Yes, Potter?”

Harry propped himself up on his elbows to get a better look at his former nemesis. “It’s not just your body that I want to plunder,” he said, “I kinda want to conquer your heart, too.”

Draco met Harry’s eyes amusedly. “I do think that the war metaphors have gone on long enough. A bit of romance is needed here.” Sitting up, Draco stared into Harry’s eyes. “I like you, Potter. I like your new upbeat attitude, and how easily you can find something to love about everyone. I like that you care so much about everything, and that you’re willing to go to any lengths to protect those you love. I like how strong your beliefs and convictions in doing the right thing are. I like...you.”

“Damn,” Harry said, “that was really deep. My turn now,” he said, sitting up, and taking Draco’s hands (so soft!) in his own. “Draco, I love that you can demolish your enemies with one well put barb. I love your confidence, and how you commit to everything that you truly believe in. I love how you take risks, like you did with me. I love how deeply you care about the things that you love. I love your silliness and your crazy names. I love you.”

“Oh, Potter,” Draco murmured. “I do think that I love you too.”

“Just one thing,” Harry interrupted, “do you think you can stop calling me Potter? It’s just that...Snape calls me that, and I don’t want to think of him when I’m with you.”

Draco burst out laughing and fell back into bed, clutching his stomach. Peals of neverending laughter flooded the room and Harry’s ears, delighting him, before Draco finally stopped. He brushed the tears out of his eyes and looked into Harry’s bemused green ones.

“Fine. Harry.”

This time, it really was fine.

—————

Severus Snape was straightening his collar in a bid to look his best for Remus later that night. In his chest pocket was a simple but elegant ring, tucked against his heart. In his hip pocket, he carried a bottle of self warming lube, in anticipation for the events that might follow the presentation of the ring.

Severus glanced at the clock on his desk. Four thirty. In another hour, the workday would officially end, leaving him free to go and claim his partner is mind, heart, soul, and arse. He decided to go over his seduction protocol, just to make sure everything would go according to plan.

Step One - Arrive at Grimmauld Place

Step Two - Insult Black

Step Three - Greet Remus with precisely one kiss

Step Four - Present Remus with ring on blended knee

Step Five - Ravish Remus

Satisfied with his plan, Severus leaned back in his chair and hummed the tune to A Cauldron Full of Hot Strong Love. As the clock struck five ‘o clock, however, his merry tune was interrupted by a knock at the door.

Damn.

“Enter, if you must.”

The door opened to reveal Potter, holding a box of gillyweed. “Potter,” Severus said, surprised, “I thought you didn’t need any more help refining your occlumency,” he said evenly.

“No, Sir, the occlumency is going very well,” Harry said, slinking in. “I’ve brought you a present,” he added, handing Snape the box of slimy leaves.

“You’ve brought me...gillyweed.” Severus sighed and looked at the boy in front of him, and tried to feel some anger for him. It was a difficult task, these days, seeing as the boy’s endearing ineptitude was responsible for bringing Remus into his life. With a sigh, Severus pointed to the box. “Pray tell, Potter, why you thought that a box of weeds would win my heart?”

Harry fidgeted uncomfortably before answering, “I realized that I never really replaced the weeds I took from your stores last year for the Triwizard Tournament,” he mumbled. “I just wanted to make sure that we were square.”

Severus suppressed a snort of amusement. “Well thank you, Potter. We are quite “square”,” he replied. “Now, I have a proposal to attend to, so if you wouldn’t mind,” he said, gesturing to the door.

Harry stayed in place and took a deep breath before speaking, “Actually, Sir, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“You wanted to talk to me about my love life with Remus?” Snape asked disbelivingly.

“Ew, no, Sir,” Harry cringed. “It’s my love life that I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Potter,” Snape said, a cold feeling seeping into his gut, “I really don’t want to hear this,” he said slowly.

“And I really wish I didn’t have to tell you this, Sir,” Harry pleaded, “but I need to do things the right way. I’d like your blessing to see Draco, Sir. We really love each other, and-“

Snape jumped up in shock. “Draco? Draco Malfoy, my godson?”

“Yes, Sir, that’s the one,” Harry said. “We really love each other, and I would like your permission to court him, and I really don’t fancy talking to his dad, because Mr. Malfoy’s an evil tit.”

Severus slumped into his chair gracelessly. “I...I don’t know what to say,” he admitted, sounding winded. “Draco...how will you see him, now that the Dark Lord has risen?”

“Well, Sir, we plan to elope,” Harry said reasonably. “We don’t want to split our owls up, you see, and elopement sounds like the best option.”

This announcement caused Snape to run out of the office and confide in Remus, who at first cooed about love, and then panicked and yelled at Dumbledore, who had to take his blood pressure pills and then go and talk to Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy into switching sides to be on the winning team when things all went down.

This led to the two Malfoys to be very confused about how Draco had managed to start a family with Harry Potter when he should have been concentrating on getting his OWLs, but were immensely glad to discover that it was a family of owls and that one of the boys had not spontaneously grown a uterus and had had a child out of wedlock.

Upon hearing Draco’s impassioned pleas of “I love him, Father, and I’m going to be with him no matter what!” And Harry’s righteous rant about “I love Draco and I’ll hex anyone who tries to separate us and our owls, and you won’t be able to see your grandchildren ever!” the Malfoys agreed to act as spies for the Order of the Phoenix and that Draco and the Owls could live at Grimmauld Place during the summer.

—————————

And that was how Hedwig and Asmodeus Potter-Malfoy’s whirlwind avain romance changed history, saved the wizarding world, and helped two horny boys find love.


End file.
